When Love is War
by messedupfruitsrotten
Summary: Argument/Relationship trouble one-shots. SouRin ReiGisa MakoHaru SouMako
1. SouRin: Entirety

_I can't be your whole world, Sousuke. That's too much pressure. _

Rin didn't even care anymore if his neighboring students could hear. Rather, he was so focused on the discussion at hand that any reluctant eavesdroppers were the least of his problems.

He didn't know why he still called it a discussion in his head. It was an argument. It was a full-blown, red-in-the face, Shut-up-and-listen argument – their first one to get this bad. Rin hated admitting when there were problems, but there was no denying this issue.

_What? So now you're going to run to those Iwatobi guys? _

_What do my friends have to do with this? Why do you always drag my friends into this?_

Uhg, Rin wanted to seem like he was standing up for himself, finally putting his foot down on Sousuke's controlling ways, but he must've not seemed that strong with tears steady leaking out and his voice cracking every time he spoke.

_You're always going over there or having them come here. Why do you always want to spend more time with them than me?_

_We live together! I see you from when I wake up, go to class, to when I fall asleep. If I want to see my friends, I have to arrange a time, so what the hell are you talking about?_

_**That's**__ just what I'm talking about! You __**want**__ to see them. You never __**want**__ to see me anymore, you just do. _

_And that's supposed to be my fault?_

_I never said anything was your fault! I'm just… I don't know._

Sousuke never had to outright blame anything on Rin. The accusations could be felt in the he said "_Leaving again tonight?_" and "_I guess I'll see around. Whatever._" Of course his tone would irk Rin, so he would invite Sousuke to come with him or ask if everything was all right. Usually a short back and forth would occur, leading to Rin slamming the door on a sulking Sousuke.

_Well, where do we go from here? Do you want to leave me?_

_No. _

The way Sousuke's eyes darkened and brow furrowed during disagreements scared Rin. Rin wasn't wimpy, but in a physical altercation, he definitely wouldn't be able to do much against the burly brunet. It's the reason why Rin always made sure to stay close to the door when they argued. Just in case.

_Then what do you want to do because I'm tired of having to constantly-_

_Then change! Obviously something's wrong, so just stop always running to those assholes-_

_Don't say that about my friends!_

_Okay, okay, that's not what I meant. I'm just a little ticked off and I didn't mean to say that. _

_I'm not the one that needs to change, Sousuke. _

_I'm not the one doing anything wrong. _

Rin couldn't fathom that his lover truly believed that. The redheaded captain could admit that he wasn't the perfect boyfriend. It was easy for one sour comment from Sousuke to piss Rin off. There were times when Rin did go hang out with his old swim club friends as quiet revenge for Sousuke doing something he didn't like. Rin once even moaned "Iwatobi" as joke during make-up sex which did not go over well with the comedian's audience.

_Oh my God, they warned me. Haru and the others even said that you would-_

_You've been talking about me to them?_

The growl and step forward made Rin scoot closer to the door. Sousuke scoffed.

_Stop it._

_You think I'm going to hurt you? If I was going to hurt, I could've __**been**__ done it. _

_Why would you that? _

_You don't think it's true? You don't think I could have you down before you could make it out the door?_

_Stop it!_

Maybe Rin wanted to test that theory because with his front still facing Sousuke, a hand reached back for the doorknob. Within seconds Rin was squirming against Sousuke's bulky body, wrists pinned above his head by just one of Sousuke's hands.

_What did I say? I could hurt you if I wanted to, but I won't. You're my whole world, Rin._

Rin's wrist writhed under Sousuke's tight grasp.

_Stop, that's too much pressure!_

_You're there when I wake up, you're there during classes, and you're there when I go to sleep. I can't go through life without you, Rin. I don't want you to leave._

_You've gone too far._

_I want you to want to see me. I want you to wake up excited that we get to go to class together. _

_I did. I used to. Not anymore. Let me go. _

_Why not? Why not anymore?_

_It's too much, Sousuke. I can't. I'm tired. Please. _

Feeling the guilt pool heavily in his stomach, Sousuke slowly released his grip on the crying redhead. Rin then silently turned around and opened the door.

_Just please don't go to them. Please want to see me again. _

And those were the last words Sousuke was able to utter before his whole world walked away.


	2. ReiGisa: Possibilities

"Is this all a joke to you?" Rei asked, unable to look Nagisa in the eyes as the blond's laughter came to an abrupt halt.

"Come on, Rei-chan," Nagisa sing-songed. "I'm just lightening the mood."

"So, then it is," The blue-haired boy wore a sad smile. "It's all just a joke to you."

Nagisa stuck his tongue out. "No need to be so serious, Rei-chan~"

Rei closed the book in front of him with a loud thud. He stood from the small table strewn with pencils and papers. "I'm going home."

"Wait, wait, why are you leaving?" Nagisa whined, in the middle of balancing his pencil on his upper lip.

"I'm sick of worrying about you for _you_!" Rei shouted a little louder than he meant.

"You don't have to worry about me," Nagisa assured, pretending to get back to filling out the career questionnaire.

He really wanted to avoid an argument. It was this time of the semester that strained Haru and Makoto's relationship last year. Nagisa didn't think the same thing would happen to him and Rei yet here they were.

"Of course, I do, you idiot!" Rei felt his face heating up. "I care about you and your future, but whenever it's time to give this next year any serious thought, you want to talk about penguins and nonsense!"

"I said sorry! I'll stop!" Nagisa promised. What a lie.

Rei stamped his foot because somehow, this sentence made him even angrier.

"You've said that so many times now!" Rei could feel the heat of his face causing his eyes to water. More than anything he hoped it didn't seem like he was crying. "Do you even care about going to the same university as me? I don't want to be alone, but it's like you don't even care! You just want to play around like everything is the same, but things are changing so you can't keep acting like a child!"

Something in Nagisa snapped. He was tired of hearing that. From Rei, Rin, the others, his teachers, and sisters and parents. Was it because every time someone asked what he wanted to do, he changed his answer? "An astronaut!" "A chef!" "A policeman!" "Wouldn't I be cool as a firefighter?" Of course they were all jokes. Playful suggestions to hide the cruel reality that despite being a third year in high school, Nagisa had no idea what he wanted to do.

He knew it wasn't Rei's duty and he was pushing unfair expectations onto his boyfriend, but for a long time he had been hoping that Rei would help him figure things out. Instead of being the support Nagisa was wishing for, Rei pressured him to hurry up with finding a career path just like everyone else. What did knowing your future have to do with being an adult? So what if all he knew about college was that he wanted to spend that time with Rei?

"I don't get it," Nagisa said darkly with his head hanging low. "Everyone keeps saying that. Everybody keeps calling me a child."

The blond slammed his fists down onto the table making several pencils roll off and away as though trying to escape Nagisa's wrath. Rei just stared down at him in amazement. He didn't think he'd ever seen a side of Nagisa like this. Part of him felt bad for drawing it out and part of him felt intrigued about what this Nagisa had to say.

"I don't know what I want to do, okay? Do you think I like that? Do you think it's fun being unsure? It's so scary. It's the scariest thing I've ever felt in my life – that everyone else might leave me behind to rot like the memory of a missing kid. I don't want to be forgotten and useless, but how am I supposed to just suddenly figure out what I want to dedicate every day of my life to until I die? How am I supposed to just _know_ that?" Nagisa huffed, taking a pause in his rant then looked up at Rei with an expression that the butterfly swimmer had surely never knew Nagisa could even make.

Rei opened his mouth to say something, but Nagisa went on, "And you're supposed to help me! More than anyone, I expected you to understand that I don't know and yelling at me isn't going to help me figure it out…" His darkness faded away into a mess of tears and sniffles. "I don't you to be alone either. I don't want to be left alone. I want _my_ future to be _**our**_ future, so I'm sorry that I don't have all the pieces together yet…"

Rei knelt down and wiped a few of Nagisa's tears despite his own still drying on his cheeks. "Nagisa… I'll never know how you feel or what you're thinking if you don't tell me. This whole time you were kidding around while harboring your own fears…"

Nagisa was sobbing uncontrollably now. Rei wasn't even mad anymore, so he didn't know why. "I just… want to see… you smile, Rei-chan… I don't want to… make anybody sad with my problems…" His snorts and whimpers in between words were impossibly cute. Rei was almost distracted by this thought when he realized something.

He picked up a piece of paper and a pencil.

"What are you doing?" Nagisa asked, slowly regaining his composure.

"You like to make people happy," Rei said, writing the information down. "Maybe you could be a comedian or sitcom writer!"

"Huh?"

"We'll make a list of things you like to do and see which ones you can make a career out of!"

Nagisa blinked away the last of his tears and mumbled, "I like rockhopper penguins…"

"Zookeeper!"

"I also like sweets."

"Baker!"

"I like Rei-chan!"

"There's nothing we can do with that!"

And just as abruptly as the laughter halted, it returned.


	3. MakoHaru: Strings

They only said a few words to each other at practice. And even those short exchanges didn't carry the same warmth that they used to.

Pretty much everyone around them had picked up on it. That a twisted alteration had formed in their relationship.

It was Makoto who had dropped the strings but something in the silence felt like Haru had cut them.

Makoto just couldn't do it anymore. When he helped Haru out of a pool, he didn't want to let go of his hand. When he told Haru congratulations on a win, he wanted to give him a kiss afterwards. When he always fell second place to several liters of water, he felt utterly ridiculous.

He thought he could be happy just being Haru's friend. He constantly reminded himself that that was enough, but it wasn't. For years, it wasn't. For several painful long years, it wasn't nearly enough.

So, Makoto started letting Haru get himself out of the tub every morning. He let Haru make his own lunches, study with his own notes, and live his own life. Meanwhile, Makoto would relearn how to do things without having to look over his shoulder to check on someone else.

He taught himself how to not worry about someone who was indifferent to his cares. How to be happy that he was his own adult and not his crush's mother. He even began to teach himself how to shatter the self-hatred that came with being closeted.

Haru was making much less lee-way in his new, independent life than Makoto. He didn't realize how much Makoto had kept him from knowing. He was amazed by how well taken care of he had been. Still, this epiphany dragging in a wave of helplessness would not make Haru fall madly in love with Makoto.

Makoto had never said the reason why he stopped doting on the raven-haired boy, because they both knew it.

After practice one day, Haru handed Makoto a CD.

"I thought you might want this back," the freestyler said gently.

He was a bit disappointed when all Makoto did was smile, take the disk, and say, "Thanks."

"Sorry," Haru said suddenly as Makoto tried to walk away.

All the other members had headed home and Makoto wanted to do the same, but this word hit him like an icy wind freezing him in place. He turned to Haru, still smiling.

"I don't understand," he lied.

"For being such a burden to you all this time," Haru said. He would never admit it, mostly because now he felt like he had no one to talk to, but he never felt so frustrated before. To him, Makoto's abandonment made him seem like the greasy type of guy who was only nice to get something out of it.

Makoto's eye twitched, he could feel himself getting irritated. It was strange how much he could see through Haru yet how Haru couldn't look to deep enough into Makoto's decisions.

"You weren't a burden," Makoto explained. "I did those things because I wanted to."

"And now you don't want to?" Haru asked.

"Yes," Makoto smiled wider and nodded. "Now, I don't."

He moved like he was going to walk away, but Haru continued.

"Why?"

Even if Haru didn't know the full depth of the why, he still had picked up on the cues to some extent. This was just him wanting to hear it out loud. It was just him asking for a confirmation that he must've known would rip Makoto's heart straight out his chest and cut it up as bad as the strings that once linked them together.

"It's complicated," Makoto struggled to say after swallowing hard.

"I've got time," Haru said, icy blue eyes locked with dimming green ones.

Makoto's cheeks hurt from having to keep this happy look plastered on his face, but it's not like he hadn't had years of practice. He took a second to glance behind him to make sure that he and Haru were alone then asked, "Why are you doing this?"

"I just want to know why," Haru said honestly with a shrug. Makoto essentially promised Haru an easy life with no strings attached and then let go of those secret strings when he fully figured out just what that meant. Haru felt cheated, deserted, betrayed in a way that he deemed grimy and violating. Was Makoto's kindness all expecting something else in exchange?

"Because…" Makoto's grin dropped in moment, his face becoming contorted with pure anguish. He covered his pained expression with his large hands. "Because it just started to hurt too much."

"What did?"

"You already know, so why do you keep asking?"

Haru stood firm in his interrogation. Even if Makoto fell to his knees and began bawling out his soul right then and there, Haru felt he still had a right to a full explanation. He wasn't heartless and felt a little bad for his former best friend, but he couldn't let that pity distract his curiosity.

"Isn't a little sloppy, Makoto?"

The question cut the backstroke swimmer fast and quiet like a skillfully trained assassin.

"I can do things for myself, but still…" Haru glanced away from Makoto and stared at the pool. He was being so honest, tone straight-forward and raw. "I feel a bit disappointed."

"Sorry," Makoto half-laughed. "Sorry I disappointed you. Sorry for giving you an independent life-"

"You were the one who took it away in the beginning," Haru's eyes snapped back onto Makoto. Man, this was bothering him. Maybe because it was years. So many years felt… wasted.

Makoto just glowered at the ground, shaking, and tears dripping freely from his eyes. His was too taken by some other emotion to even be embarrassed. He didn't even know what this feeling was. Anger? Sadness? Love? Was it _still_ love?

"I'm sorry. I cared about you so much and thought that maybe I could do it," Makoto tried to defend himself. "Maybe I could spend the rest of my life beside you as your best friend and be content. I thought I loved you so much that I could live off of just your happiness alone, but I failed and now you don't even know how to do the things I did for you. My young self didn't know how the love of a man worked. I only knew what it meant to love as a brother and child, so I treated you as my parents treated me or how I knew to take care of Ren and Ran. It was wrong of me, but I didn't know how else to express myself. I'm sorry."

"Now you're treating me as though you hate me."

"That's not it at all! I don't hate you, I just hate being around you. Like treading water right at the pool edge, but never finishing the race. It's crushing."

"What does finishing the race mean?" Haru questioned, now looking at his nails. "If I have sex with you, will you take care of me again?"

Makoto felt like he was going to vomit. Is that really what Haru thought this was about? Was that a real offer or a hypothetical? Would Makoto be a terrible person for taking him up on the deal if he were serious? He shook that thought from his mind. That kind of trade would mince the last of Makoto's sanity into unrecognizable bits.

"Well, would-"

"You really don't get it," Makoto returned to smiling brightly which contrasted horrifically with the tear stains scoring two lines from his eyes to his chin. "Do you, Haru?"

The freestyler wasn't prepared for Makoto to raise his voice.

"What did you even see me as?" Makoto demanded.

"A friend."

"Don't lie."

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"I was your butler. I love you, Haru, but what you're asking of me is selfish. I can't be what I was to you anymore. I can't."

"I'm selfish?" Haru growled. How had the tables turned on him? He was so sure Makoto was the one in the wrong here. "I can only choose for you to be my lover or nothing at all to me? My friendship is useless to you?"

"You were never my friend! I was enslaved to the idea of you loving me someday, so much that I can't remember knowing you as my friend!"

"So now what? I disappear?"

"Maybe one day…" Makoto started, voice sinking with sadness and improbable wishful thinking. "One day, we'll both be adults who can be around each other but not depend on each other and I'll have found someone to love even half as much as I loved you. And we'll have forgotten one another just a bit, but still managed to be perfectly happy. Then we'll meet and be able to be proper friends, but right now… I can't do that now."

Haru fought back some tears that he hadn't expected himself to develop and made his way to the exit.

"Then I'll look forward to that day.

Goodbye, Makoto."

And with that following silence, the strings that once connected them were dropped, cut, and abandoned. A hope lied in each of their hearts that a time would come where two self-reliant adults would come and pick the strings back up at a better place than where the teens left off.


	4. SouMako: Drag

Sousuke never knew fear the way he dreaded the idea of Makoto figuring out how perfect he was. Makoto was an actual angel on Earth and Sousuke was absolute crap in comparison. Makoto was kind, gentle, and honest with a light laugh that made whole rooms shine a bit brighter. Sousuke was blunt, too abrasive, and rather than brightening anything, Sousuke's dull words often silenced lively conversations.

Sousuke wondered if Makoto was oblivious to Sousuke's actual shittiness. He speculated that Makoto didn't know his own worth. There were even times when Sousuke angered himself by considering the idea that Makoto was dating him out of sheer sympathy.

He can't quite give an exact date of when it started, all he knew was that he wished he could rewind to that point and stop it.

"You look like you've gained weight again, Mako," Sousuke laughed as they got of the pool. He squeezed Makoto's hard thigh. "You won't be able to swim if you get fat."

"Oh, you're right," Makoto blushed and he raked a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry."

When they were out with friends, no one questioned why Sousuke ate whatever he want, but Makoto picked at salads he never finished.

"Are those zits?" Sousuke asked, pulling away from a kiss. They were in Makoto's room, about to head to karaoke night with their friends. "Mako, we shouldn't go out tonight. You'll embarrass me."

Makoto touched his face in a panic and Sousuke laughed, tugging his hands away.

"If you do that," Sousuke said. "You'll get even more."

"Oh, no," Makoto fidgeted. "What should I do? I'm sorry that we can't go out…"

"It's fine," Sousuke placed another kiss smoothly on Makoto's lips. "We'll just stay in this time."

Makoto spent the next day trying out more face masks and creams than he even knew existed.

Makoto lost to a Samezuka swim club member by only a few milliseconds. While helping him out of the pool, Sousuke whispered into his ear, "Wow, is that the swimming of a proper captain?"

Makoto made sure to do more than a few extra laps that practice.

"There's no way you're actually that stupid, right, Mako?" Sousuke chuckled, nuzzling into the nape of his lover's neck as they sat around, snuggled together and watching game shows. Makoto had gotten just one question wrong. Sousuke was so afraid of saying the incorrect answer, he never said his guesses aloud.

"S-sorry…" Makoto muttered, tightening his grip on Sousuke's hands which rested on his stomach.

That night Makoto cried at his own worthlessness. Why did he feel like such piss in comparison to Sousuke? Why was he so fat, ugly, and dumb while dating a sexy, gorgeous, and smart swimmer with a future ahead of him? He hated himself. He couldn't stand that he wasn't good enough for Sousuke and yet the dark haired brunet was sweet enough to still give him the light of day.

Sousuke didn't know how he started, but it felt impossible to stop now. Beating Makoto down had become second nature to him. It was a hobby he excelled at, almost better than his swimming. He formulated just how to say things to disguise it as concern. He knew just the right times to attack and even spaced out his verbal assaults enough as to not let Makoto catch on to his scheme.

A small section of him could confess that he enjoyed it. There was something pleasurable in seeing how much his opinions affected Makoto. How one "Why're you soft here?" changed Makoto's eating habits and workout routine. How a small comment like "You've gotten even darker." made Makoto carry around an umbrella and spend more time indoors.

"What are you doing?" Rin asked as he watched Makoto sit on Haru's bedroom floor and apply bleaching cream.

"Sousuke thinks I've gotten dark," Makoto said, all rainbows and sunshine.

"Okay," Rin drew the word out before pointing to some diet pills beside Makoto. "And what's that?"

"Oh, Sousuke thinks I've gotten fat," Makoto said, happily shaking the near empty bottle.

"Huh," Rin huffed, a disturbing pattern falling together in his mind. "…Dude, are you wearing make-up?"

"Just some foundation, a little lip balm, and a touch of eyeliner," Makoto explained. "Sousuke thinks I look better this way."

Haru put his book down on his pillow and asked from where he was lying on his bed, "Makoto, do you think Sousuke is good for you?"

He never encountered this question, but now that he gave it a little thought, he had liked himself before dating Sousuke. He had thought he was a perfectly healthy good-looking teen, but since Sousuke, all he saw in himself were the flaws his lover insisted were there.

"Am I ugly?" Makoto asked Sousuke one day as they lied curled up on the taller boy's bed.

"I don't think so," Sousuke said, stroking his boyfriend's hair. "But who knows what others think of you."

Makoto paused, debating whether or not he should reveal his true feelings. Eventually, they slipped out.

"You make me feel ugly."

Sousuke's stomach twisted into a dozen and one knots. Had he been found out?

"What makes you say that?" Sousuke asked lovingly, still petting Makoto's head.

"I hate myself. I never hated myself before you came along."

Sousuke let out a hearty laugh and his next words made Makoto untangle himself from the larger teen's grasp.

"Makoto. You can't blame me for your dumb insecurities."

Makoto felt disgusted. Was this really the same suave person he had fallen for? The one who had drenched him with nothing but praises? The one who had given him the nickname "angel?"

Makoto's face must've given away everything he was thinking because Sousuke's smile quickly faded away.

"What's wrong?" Sousuke asked as though he hadn't just sledge hammered Makoto's heart.

"I'm not fat. Or stupid," Makoto stated with his conviction dangling on a tightrope.

"Who are you telling?" Sousuke's tone was dark and condescending, much more open in its cruelty than any of his other criticisms.

"Since when were you like this?" Makoto cried.

Sousuke really didn't know and truly wished he could stop, but he didn't know how. He was so scared of Makoto finding out that he was a bad person yet somewhere down the line he had become a terrible person.

"Don't get mad at me just because I made you realize you're not perfect," Sousuke sighed. He couldn't believe himself. Why was he saying this?

Makoto couldn't help but weep.

"You're not Sousuke! I want the tender Sousuke back…"

The bigger brunet scoffed, looking away from his sobbing boyfriend. "Cry like a little bitch all you want, but what you see is what you get. If you couldn't figure out the real me, then that's your problem for being a dumbass."

He wanted to turn off this bad boy façade and return to being the below average piece of crap that _still_ didn't deserve Makoto. He wanted to beg for them to start over and promise to be a better partner, but his mouth kept spewing vile.

"I take back what I said before because I definitely think this gross crying face you're doing now is ugly."

Makoto wiped tears away with the back of his hand and ignored the new ones forming. He swallowed the painful lump in his throat.

"Why?" he said. "Why do you want me to feel like absolute crap?"

Sousuke threw a pillow across the room in a feral rage. He glared down at his clenched fists.

"Because you did it first!" he shouted. "You were so perfect that I fell in love with you without realizing that I can't stand next to you confidently at all. You created a whole new standard of expectations that I just can't live up to. So, I thought if I couldn't clamber up to where you are, I would drag you down with me. I'm complete and total shit, Mako. I'm so screwed up I think I just talk out my ass. You're perfectly fit. Your skin is perfect. Your backstroke is perfect. You're perfectly smart. So bright, it's blinding, you're a perfect angel, Mako. You're beautiful."

"Sousuke…"

Now humiliated for several different reasons, Sousuke covered his reddening face with his hands and continued spilling out everything's he's wanted to say.

"I'm sorry I made you feel as bad as I felt. I'm sorry I'm not the mature, dazzling man that you deserve, Mako. Most of all, I'm sorry that I even let you waste your precious time on someone as worthless as me."

Sousuke was surprised to feel soft, warm lips on his temple and turned to look at Makoto with wide eyes. Makoto took his partner's hands into his own, rubbing his thumb along Sousuke's.

"I'm not ugly," Makoto reiterated. "And I'm _not_ dumb. I chose to be with you because I know you _are_ worthy of my love and you're kind of stupid for thinking otherwise."

Makoto snickered a bit and Sousuke couldn't help chuckling with him.

"I still want to be with you but," Makoto said. "You're going to have to change! No more self-doubt or being so critical of yourself. Just trust that I love you for all your strengths and faults."

Sousuke's look was deadpan.

"See," he remarked with little emotion. "This is exactly what I'm talking about. You're so perfect, you'll even forgive an idiot like me!" Sousuke then grinned from ear to ear and Makoto let out the laugh that lit Sousuke's heart and Sousuke no longer had anything to be afraid of in their relationship. His angel now knew just how perfect he was.


End file.
